Hello.
My name is Mackenzie Chenault, but you can call me "Kenzie". I'm 24 years old and still trying to figure out what I'm doing. I've never done a blog before, so I'm pretty much a noob. Hopefully, I'll get better at it, so please be gentle while reading about my weird, crazy, dysfunctional life.
When I was born, I didn't remember much of it. I don't know if it was because of my parents not getting along, or I wanted to block it all out, or just because my brain sucks at remembering things. But I only started to remember things at 8 or 9. At first, my mom and I were living in an apartment, but after a while, we moved in with my late great-grandmother and my late grandma. My great-grandfather had already passed away before we moved in, and later my great-grandmother passed away, which I don't remember much of. After that, it was just me, my mom, my grandmother, and my uncle, who I didn't get to see after he went into the army. It was just us three for a while, then my stepdad came into my life.
But before I get into that, let me go back a bit.
Even living with my mom, I didn't see her much. She was off doing her own thing. Same with my dad, I didn't see him much either. My grandma would be at work most of the time, and I didn't have many friends in school. So most of the time, I would be on the computer. At first, I would just play games like GirlGoGames, PBS Kids Games, and the popular Disney Games. But it was only a short time before I discovered YouTube. I didn't have my own account on it yet, so I would go on it after school or sometimes skip school to watch videos all day and night. The videos I watched were mostly prank videos or just funny videos in general, like "Charlie Bit My Finger," "JK Wedding Entrance Dance," or "The Duck Song." My brother and I would watch the Lego Batman series and find it hilarious... to be honest, we still laugh at it. Then I came across my first YouTuber; it was a couple that did daily vlogs and other videos. I instantly became obsessed with them. They led me to other YouTubers like Shane Dawson, PewDiePie, DashieXP, Smosh, etc. Every day when I came home from school, I would watch them first. I guess you could say I was a bit parasocial with them; I kinda saw them as my own parents, which, as I say now, is pretty disturbing. But when you're a little kid without your own parents around, you try to find the closest thing to a parenting bond. I know that doesn't justify how weird it was, but I hope y'all can still understand why I was obsessed with them as I was. I watched them every day until 2016 when they ended up splitting up, which hurt me a lot; I cried so much that day. Eventually, I grew past it.
YouTube helped me through so much growing up. I was dealing with early depression from not seeing my parents and having to deal with a poor life. I hated being poor, and I still do. I'm not saying life would get better by being rich because I know that being rich doesn't make anyone happy, but it would have helped me a little bit. Honestly, I wouldn't mind $100,000; I wouldn't even mind $50,000. Just enough to help me get back on my feet. After seven years of living in my great-grandparents' house, we ended up having to move due to rent issues. It sucked because I didn't want to leave. Even with all the bad memories, there were still some good ones, and those are the only ones I want to remember. After we moved, we lived in an apartment for a little bit, but again, due to rent issues, we got evicted. We ended up being homeless for 2 and a half years. Now, when I say "homeless," we weren't living on the street. I only remember sleeping in a car once. Most of the time, we stayed in motels and hotels. I stayed with my friend's parents, then with my cousin and her aunt. Even though I'm grateful they gave me and my grandma a place to stay, boy, it was awful.
Luckily, I was able to go to Job Corps in Colorado after my 18th birthday. I was supposed to be there for 2 years but was only there for 6 months. I guess all the 9 years of depression and anxiety really started to get to me. It took me 5 years to finally get mental help. When I came back from Colorado, I was living with my mom, grandma, and my stepdad (plus our three dogs, RIP).
My stepdad and I never had a healthy relationship. We would fight and yell at each other, mostly about him being an asshole to my mom, me, and my grandma. He also had a difficult life, which got him into drugs and led to him going to prison a couple of times... okay, maybe more than a couple. Even with all those flaws, I still loved him; I know I probably shouldn't have, but I did. There were times he was nice and funny to talk to. He died in September of 2023, and I miss him.
Honestly, this year hasn't been a good year. My stepdad died in September, my grandma, who I was closest to for a long time, died in February, and then my stepmom, who I was starting to get along with, died in June. My mom and my dad have been affected by this pain, and I wish I could take it away for them. I hope my mom and dad know how much I love them and how much I miss the people we've lost. My parents might not be the best parents in the world, but I love them and would give my life for them.
So, to anyone who's reading this and is going through some of the stuff that I went through, please know it gets better. I know right now it might not seem that way—trust me, I still find it difficult to believe—but I know one day it will. It might not happen later today or tomorrow, but it will. I know one day, I'll be on my own, have my own car, make good money, and be with people I love.
So please don't give up.
Sincerely, Kenzie.
(P.S. These blog posts won't always be constant, so again, please be gentle.)
